I've fought dragons. I've been thrown inside an arena to kill 23 other kids. I've fallen in love with a fallen angel. I've experienced life as a zombie. I've been to a school with witches and wizards. I've killed with my mind. I've been a nameless mermaid longing for the world above. All because of books. It's pretty safe to say that sometimes I like books more than people.
Okay. it's our spring break and i decided to share one of my poem that I write months ago. It's about one girl who are torn of killing her self because of depression, being broken and not good enough.
DROWNING
I think it's funny how the person next to you
can be depressed, broken, self-harming and bruised
and no one will notice
Not parents, siblings, friends, teacher, NOBODY
She's fighting her own demons
You see her smile, not her pain
You hear her laughs not her cries
Her eyes say she's broken and brushed and needs help
When she was young she dreamed of being a teenager parting until 4 in the morning
Now it's 4 in the morning and she's debating if she should take her life or not
She's fighting demons and she's loosing
"you cut because you're an attention seeking whore"
But what they don't understand is that it takes a lot to get the point of turning mental pain into physical pain
Her sparkling shinning bright eyes are now dull and lifeless
The demons are eating her alive
When you look away she stops smiling and starts to cover every inch of her skin in clothes
She pushes her friends away hoping they will help her but all they do is walk away and never look back
In public she is one laughing taking funny pictures and making others laugh
But behind closed doors she flips of that mental switch and cries her self to sleep
She's dying and you don't even notice
But when you do notice that she is broken she's been to the point of no return and back
Have you ever been Friend zone or have been into a heart break ? ahmm. Friend zone refers to a platonic relationship where in one person wishes to enter into a romantic while the other does not. OUCH </3 Heart break - Broken heart, the emotions felt after the end of a romance, or grief or disappointment I was been there i know the feeling of being friend zoned and heart break not just one time but three times ;) haha
So my first friend zone happen when I'm a 3rd year high school. So this guy is my classmate from first year till 3rd year, he is my only crush when I'm a high school (believe it or not), he is my crush since 2nd year high school and no one knows about it. I just keep it myself and I hate it when my classmates found it then they will keep teasing me. We became friends when we're 3rd year high school its a buzzing news at our room when he started courting one of our friends who used to be my "friend" also in the first month of the school year. That really hurts so badly, that's why i started to keep a distance to the girl because i just can't take it. Then one morning when I come to school a shocking unbelievable news buzzing our room "the girl rejected the guy i like" wow. That day i can't believe it I really taught they will work out, you know they will be a great couples and I will be a loser sitting in a corner of our room. I think all of us are talking about that the whole day then one of my classmate record it in her phone what really happens and how did she reject him. I watch it of course, haha the story goes like this after our class when everybody was already go home, some of our classmates was their to witness it. The girl stand in the middle of our school quadrangle in front of the stage while some people holding a papers that says "be my girl?" i think then the guy appeared with flowers goes down and kneel in front of her but sadly she rejected her and run (as i remember) then one of my classmate say that the guy was crying well of course that will happen, who will be in this world got rejected by the girl they like and be happy? It makes me really mad after watching the video because she hurt one of the special guy in my life. While I was holding back my mad i accidentally spit it out my mouth that I like the guy in front of my classmates (how dumb i am?) I want to take it back so badly but too late I already said it. Then i beg them not to tell it because it will be so embarrassing and heartbreaking because I know he will never going to take my love! Some of my classmates already knows it and teasing me, days weeks past he already knew it I know because of my classmates. f*ck yeah. I want to wear a mask and just ignore him because as i said it was embarrassing. I admit it to him in text message because he send me a message that looks like a slam book but in text the i just go for it and admit it but as i said he already knew it. Then one of my classmate ask him about my love for him if I've got a chance on it sadly there isn't a chance. And that was my first heartbreak trust me. I'm crying while running out of my school then when I at my bedroom i just breakdown and cried so much, I'm holding my heart while crying because I can feel it so much the pain and I start to write a poem about it. I want to be so mad at him but I can't. I convince myself to get over him and just think admitting my feelings to him is just a nightmare. He makes me feel the feeling he has got when he got rejected? well i can't blame him, why would he gonna like me anyway? I'm just a loser. As months goes by, my feelings was still there, its just a months dude and I always saw him like every minute, I cant just say to myself to forget my feelings so easy? it takes time. Then I just got a news, a news that he already got a girlfriend what a surprise. I cried of course but at that time I already get it, that there is no story will be make between us and just really forget it because i know I can find that guy who will take my love. It just sad that I became cold to him so much that our closeness little friendship was been broke. We still talk but not that much. We talk once in a blue moon, its okay on me because while talking to him my mind will just blow and remember all the saddest thing that happen. Now he is in college in Philippines and that's all i know but maybe he is happy that's all I want to see him happy. It was years ago since the heartbreaking reject thing. :)
My second heart break, It was 2012 summer i fall in love to this guy who use to be my friend ("use" because now we're not friends) It started when me and my cousin hang out at their house I started looking my cousin's phone and I saw his name then i get his number. It started with a simple hello, then a weeks later we already became close friends, he want to court me but I refuse it not because I don't like him but I want him to know me more and before he make a decision on courting me I want him to see me in person, because my other friend who are his cousin said he was a good looking guy so i said to myself i don't deserve him because I'm not a fine girl you know, those flawless girl with curve. He decided to spend a a week of summer in our place not in our house but in a place where i live (we called it barrios) As he arrive with his cousin and his friend who are my friends too I saw him riding at the back of a motor and yeah god he looks so so good that my heart drops. First night high out we go to a fiesta near to our place we decided to walk, I want to talk to him so badly but I can't I'm having too much panic attack just looking at him. Some of our friends tease us already but as the night ends we still didn't talk even a simple hi. There was one night they hang out my friends and him I didn't go because I don't want to see him. They got drunk a little and open up, my cousin said he open up about his last break up which so painful to him, I didn't know what the full story to it, We hang out every night but we're not talking to each other. We hang out mostly at our house, One night he fall a sleep at our sofa and I'm at the chair near to him, I saw him how he sleep so quietly. As he open his eyes he ask me if my room is big? (wtf seriously?) that was the only sentence i heard from him in person , then he goes back to sleep. that also summer my family, cousin and i go to Isabela to spend a summer and attend to a funeral of our grandmother. Its so weird that we talk like a best friend in phone but didn't talk in person? As time he goes back to them we already don't text as much like it was just a dream we meet. I think he started avoiding me because I'm not his type maybe he rejected so much that he said he will court me and he will be just embarrass when some of friend ask about me. I think I made a great decision when I didn't allow him to court me at first. I know that he will never gonna like me but i still believe. Not so painful but the thing that he was avoiding me because I'm not a fine girl is unacceptable. I remember when my cousin ask to me that why i didn't give him a chance? first, he didn't give me a hint on it? I'm also confuse the way he act when he was on our place? and the whole week he was there we never talk? We're not friends anymore and we never talk after that summer so its already been 2 years. I heard he already has got a girlfriend. (:
and now the last one, Okay so it was september 2012 when I met him in a text group, I joined to clan in a text which are a fangirls, Simpsonizer Beliebers Mahomies and Greysonators. So his a new member, the admin of the clan has crush on him the guy is not really real he is a pedophile he act like he was the admin crush because the guy likes the admin. Get it? So i texted him I welcome him to our group then i said to him my name then he text me back he says he can trust me because the admin and I are good friends so he says his little dark secret on me that he is another guy taht secretly in love to our admin. As months goes we became good friends, we talk until 1am and he shared me some of his secrets. He is so in love to the admin that i think it made him crazy. Then i'm starting to have this feeling again the love feeling. I confess it to a friend who is a member of the clan too then I think she said it to him. We talk about it but it looks like it just came like a joke, the more he talk about his crush with me the more i can feel a ache in my heart. Lets fast forward to the heartbreak. I don't remember the months when i admitted i like him. It goes like this afternoon he texted me saying why didn't tell him that I like him? (i dont remember what i replied) but when i ask when did he got that disturbing news that i like him, he didn't say who but instead he said it he had a mind power seriously? but it comes to my mind it was my friend in the clan. Then that day maybe the deepest conversation we had. He ask me if he can court me, but I said to him my what if problems about that I also said that I will just cry on the relationship will going to have and there is no good thing on it but he said if your not gonna try it how would you know and he also said he will never make me cry, I reply to him I dont know but that day I feel like the happiest girl in the world riding in a unicorn flying over the rainbow. But after the happiness feeling a minute a go he texted me which make me not to pick up my phone and read it because i have a feeling its not going to be good the message says "can i say something? but don't get mad at me" i reply yes, I already know he will going to say that he will not gonna court me that what he says a minute ago is a big mistake but i'm still hoping its not, so he replied and im f*cking right, i said it to myself before he does, As i read his message my tears rolled over my cheeks and started to cry and cry until 2am in the morning. I taught i will never going to feel the pain in my first heartbreak but it is three times more painful. I go to the comfort room and call one of my friend i was trying to say it to my friend what happen but I can't speak i was just sobbing and crying like I'm gonna die because of this heartbreak. That heartbreak was so painful i can feel my heart falling a part. After that I wake up already with headache and a fever, I don't want to talk to him so bad so I avoid him I didn't text him for 4 days. I switch off my phone for straight 4 days I was trying to clear up my mind and be little okay and prepared when we talk again. So i decided to talk to him already and to the others, then he ask me why i don't text him in the past 4 days i said I'm having a fever, he said he missed me then I started to cry again. I just reply a smile and call him crazy. We joke a little but I hang him around I said I'm kind of busy, I'm thinking did i cross in his mind in past 4 days? asking his self why i didn't text him? I became cold to him and don't talk to him so much already that time and everything became so awkward between us. He didn't even say sorry on me for what he did. I know I expect too much but he don't have the right to say those things he knows that it will be a heartbreaking, he already knows how to feel the pain of love but he still do it to me. He is so dumb. Then I just heard that he is courting one of member of the clan. wow. so on the 4 days i didn't text him, he is making an effort for his girl. I never feel the pain before it's more painful than being stab by a knife at the back. What can I do? so i let him go. I know he is happy of his decision but its so hurt watching your love one love another. They end up together, i think 3 months or more because last year they break up. His reason is He love the girl so his letting her go. What a dick guy, seriously? he is such an asshole. I know the real reason is he is still in love to the admin because he said it to me how much he love the admin and what he does to her just to make her feel the love. So I'm so sure its the reason. And now they're not talking his ex girlfriend and him. Maybe he is hiding because he is a dick. I never taught he would do that. We're really really good friends but everything fades away. I missed our friendship until now, he is a sweet guy and crazy but also a dick. We're not friends anymore, we're not talking and we're nothing now. The last time we talk was last year 2013 January. Its been a year since he cuts out our friendship. Is it bad that until now the coldness in my heart was still there? because every time I remember him I remember the heartbreak he gave to me its a nightmare heartbreak. I can still feel the pain in my heart? every piece if heartbreak was still there. Its not so easy for me to forget that. I'll probably punch him in his face when i saw him. I think his happy now. I remember he ask me to forget him! I'm still trying to do that.
So thats it. That's my 3 strike heartbreak! It's the nightmare of my life. I didn't know why I let those guys break my heart and made me cry. But I learned many things, but also afraid to love again. I teach myself not to fall in love so easily to guys, don't be happy to much because there will be bad things happen, and don't love so much because it will lead to a nightmare. Its been years since that 3 heartbreak happened, and you know what after those heartbreak I still haven't got other heartbreaks. I'm not saying I want to experience it again, next time I want it not to be a heartbreak but to be a story of a book too. I'm so tired crying and putting back my heart. I want to be happy also someday. Now, I'm not inlove to someone, i'm just inlove to a bands. the last time i have a crush on a girl which is my classmate but now i dont have a crush. promise! Maybe because I'm too afraid now and just waiting for the real time for my heart. Maybe the pain was still fresh in my heart and still in the process of healing. I can't love someone while my heart is in pain and I'm still stuck in the nightmare. I want if i enter to a relationship i want to be ready and also happy in it because I dont want to feel the pain already. (:
A few
things that people don’t understand about
mirrors: first of all mirror is flat against the wall will only ever show the
same amount of your body no matter how far you stand back because light travels
in straight lines. Secondly, you can get as close as you want to surface and it
will never be able to see inside of you. Your mirror is a reflective surface
not an x-ray machine. Third, a mirror will never define you because even a
dictionary can’t do that. You are the bruises and bloodstains of childhood
playgrounds, you are sweat and satire and sewing your favorite dress, you are
the fifth grade girl getting her first pair of glasses as well as the
seventh grade girl getting her first kiss as well as the nineteen year old who
has finally found someone she really actually loves whereas mirrors. Do not
come with histories, they are empty. Do not look into them and think “so that’s
what I most be”. And if you can't see anything beautiful about yourself, get a better mirror, look a little close, stare a little longer because there's something inside you that made you keep trying despite everyone who told you to quit. You built a cast around your broken heart, and signed it yourself. you signed it "they were wrong"
You lose her when you forget to remember the little things that mean the world to her: the sincerity in a stranger’s voice during a trip to the grocery, the delight of finding something lost or forgotten like a sticker from when she was five, the selflessness of a child giving a part of his meal to another, the scent of new books in the store, the surprise short but honest notes she tucks in her journal and others you could only see if you look closely.
You must remember when she forgets.
You lose her when you don’t notice that she notices everything about you: your use of the proper punctuation that tells her continuation rather than finality, your silence when you’re about to ask a question but you think anything you’re about to say to her would be silly, your mindless humming when it is too quiet, your handwriting when you sign your name in blank sheets of paper, your muted laughter when you are trying to be polite, and more and more of what you are, which you don’t even know about yourself, because she pays attention.
She remembers when you forget.
You lose her for every second you make her feel less and less of the beauty that she is. When you make her feel that she is replaceable. She wants to feel cherished. When you make her feel that you are fleeting. She wants you to stay. When you make her feel inadequate. She wants to know that she is enough and she does not need to change for you, nor for anyone else because she is she and she is beautiful, kind and good.
You must learn her.
You must know the reason why she is silent. You must trace her weakest spots. You must write to her. You must remind her that you are there. You must know how long it takes for her to give up. You must be there to hold her when she is about to.
You must love her because many have tried and failed. And she wants to know that she is worthy to be loved, that she is worthy to be kept.
