SOMEONE NEEDS A LIFEGUARD

Don't you hate being there for everyone when they need you but when you need them, they're not there to help you? Like you have to be strong for everyone, but they never ask if you're okay. I'm sure I'm not the only one who has ever felt this way. Just know that you're not alone :)

I was been suffering to depression over a years now plus anxiety, panic attacks, bullied and being misunderstood always. STAY STRONG was my phrase when I'm falling apart. Those days and nights I'm crying because of being bullied receiving hurtful words everyday from people's around me killing me inside. I remember when that little boy call me fat it broke my heart and almost kill myself, that night i look into the mirror and stare my body for over an hour and just a minute my tears rolled down in my cheeks, holding my mouth and stomach to stop crying but it didn't work it just get more worst and i fall down crying on the coldfloor until i fall asleep. 2011 First year h.s summer I started staying just in our house, I never go out I prefer staying in house because I was so afraid of all those people's outside, I'm afraid of what they're going to say on me or what will they do on me. Instead of buying my own foods at store I let someone do it its either my cousin or my sister. I just go out when I needed like go to mall or do some projects at my schoolmates house or hang outs. I look like a prisoner for over 2 years just staying at home but I'm okay on it because I can feel my safety for not going out. As long as I know I was never been bored for being just in home, I enjoy it. On that summer my parents buy a personal computer for us and I started being addicted to the games in our p.c and then my parents decided to put a wifi on it so we can used it for chatting to our mom and then i discover a lots of online games. Does cooking, dress up, killing, diner games, do you still remember those games? After playing everyday I get tired of it and discover some websites like friendster, myspace, youtube and facebook and i started being so addicted to it. And in my 2 years being a prisoner in my own house I already write a lots of story, poems and some songs (sadly i left it in Philippines and I misplaced the others). After being a prisoner I decided to go out but I think that was my biggest mistake ever, When my sister won as a Chairman at our barrio I go out and just to figure out what was happening outside I remember people being mistaken because they thought I am my sister (you get it!) I gain weight a lot for just staying at home and that was the day people started calling me "fat" everywhere I go! & every site I log in there are these anonymous people keep messaging me calling me "fat-ass" and other hurtful word tbh I created a myspace account in 6 times after getting bullied in those 6 accounts I decided to take it down and not gonna make an account again even facebook, My facebook account today is my 4th because in some of my account I was keep receiving messages. After being decided to face the judgement of people I just said to myself that I can do it but to be honest I can't but I still didn't go back for being a prisoner even though in everyday of my life was like living in hell.

ANXIETY & PANIC ATTACK

Anxiety is an awful emotion to feel, a feeling that cannot be controlled and you are unaware of it creeping up on you. Different levels of anxiety lie in all of us all the time. Anxiety affects people in different ways.

I suffered from anxiety and panic attack since I was at elementary but the scary part is when I'm elementary I already feel this but I don't know what is called and I just acted normal every time. I remember asking my cousin why I can feel some weird in myself, why I hate messy things and why i want all the things on the right position? She answered me with the 3 words "I don't know" after that I just ignored everything what I feel.

It's understandable that not everybody "gets" what a panic attack and anxiety is. In fact I'm pretty sure more people don't understand than do, which is really sad. I never open up about this to everybody or even to my best friend's when I already find out the real meaning of it but It takes me a months before saying it to them. It's really sad when I open up about this was they struggle to understand exactly how it affects me, or my life, or some decisions that I choose to make. Even after explaning it many times, unless someone has been through a panic attack or anxiety themselves, they will never truly or fully understand your situation.

What exactly is a panic attack?

• A sudden feeling of dread, the sudden urge to push your way through to the nearest exit the whole room shrinking down around you and everybody staring at you and smothering you. In a split second, without you anticipating it, or knowing it's going to happen, your body releases adrenaline. This adrenaline releases as your body is preparing for "fight or flight". Something our brain is programmed to do in a life or death situation. You need adrenaline for a fight in order to be strong, and you need adrenaline for flight, in order to run fast and get away. This would have prepared for cave-dwelling ancestors to fight or run away from danger, but it's much less appropriate to the stresses we encounter today. Clearly, we are not cavemen any more, and don't need to hunt for our food, but this adrenaline is released in situations like tripping over a step, being extremely excited, being on a roller-coaster, being in a fight, in an accident, adrenaline is released into our bodies all the time, but us panic attack sufferers have a "Sensitive Alarm".

What happens to me during a panic attack?

• Adrenaline is releases, thus causing my heart to beast faster and my muscles to tense. I breathe in more oxygen, which my muscles use to turn sugar into energy ( even though i don't need extra energy for anything), Blood is diverted to my muscles. This also caused me to shake. My digestive system shuts down, making my throat dry and making me feel sick. My senses are heightened, I become more aware of sounds and smells around me (It's like someone turned up the volume, and in a busy place, it was loud enough anyway). When my adrenaline floods my body, It can cause a number of different physical and emotional sensations that may affect me during a attack. This followings is what i feel when I'm at panic attack: very rapid breathing or feeling unable to breathe, rapid heartbeat, pains in my chest, feeling faint or dizzy, sweating or shivering, ringing in my ears, tingling and numbness in my hands and feet, hot or cold flushes, feeling nauseous, wanting to go to the toilet, feeling of absolute terror, feeling claustrophobic, I'm being extremely emotional and uncontrollable crying.

Panic attacks come on very quickly, symptoms usually peaking within 10 minutes. Most panic attacks last for between 5 and 20 minutes. Some people panic attacks lasting for up to an hour. My longest panic attack last in hour, it will always spiral, until I can be alone, somewhere I feel comfortable, which can sometimes be hours away. I usually have a panic attack when I was at public, drunk people, trains, bus, festival, crowded places or at school. Almost as though my brain reacts so fast when I'm already going to have a panic attack. Which is annoying and can be undone. I'd turn things All The Time, but it's not because I didn't want to go, I wanted to go more than anything, I just COULDN'T put myself in any situation where I felt I may have panicked. For me it's a great improvement to myself that I can already go out by myself, can buy my own foods, can enter to the school by myself, can walk in the street and can ride a train and bus by myself.

How many times I panicked? When? Where?

I can't count how many times I panicked. When? It can happen to me anytime and everywhere. I'll tell you some panic attack i had one is the night before we are going to be on the plane, I was crying because I was already panicking so much and when we are already at the airport I can feel my heart racing so fast but especially when we are already at the plane, I almost die inside, A lots of thoughts was in my mind and I can't decide anymore, I can feel my knees shaking of nervous, numbness in my hand and feet and I'm sweating. I can already feel I'm so okay after just relaxing and thinking positive but when we go inside the plane I started to have a panic attack again, I go to the toilet to take a breath and try to relax but it get more worst when I flash the toilet it scares me so much, the sound and the water, so I go back to my sit and I remember I cry on my dad's shoulder. After the long flight we landed in Kuwait we waited for 5hrs and I can't feel any panic already until we move in other plane to have a 4hrs flight before reaching Italy and It was a glorious feelings to me that in the 5hrs in Kuwait and 4hrs in the plane again I already feel good and not panicking! This is my another panicking story it happen when I was in my school here in Italy, it happen every time on me at school which is so unhealthy. I first have a panic attack when we are having a recitation at french again I feel those feelings my teacher even said i need to relax but sorry I can't and i don't know how to relax when I'm on that situation it gives me move panic attack when she said my grade on that recitation because I didn't get what grade I want the disappointment feelings give me anxiety, I'm falling on the ground again and never imagine my tears will fall again on that day i hurt myself too because of panicking so much I try to cut my hand using a pen and I succeed on it. I used to it, I feel more okay when I cut my hand while having a panic attack I don't know how it help me. Another is when I'm going to have a recitation again in one of my subject Storia Dell'Arte night before it I review but I there isn't going to brain so i'm started panicking again and I hate that feeling but I can't do anything, I am already feeling to faint looking those papers in my bed and crying so hard when the morning approach the panicking was there again. When I was at the train station I can't go inside the train because I'm panicking so much, as I remember I waited for over 10 minutes in the station until I can already go inside the train. When I was already at school I was trying to be okay and no one should notice it but suddenly as the clock goes tik tok tik tok on my mind and hear the noise around the room I breakdown and I can't already take it, on that day I want to run away and go out in the school but I can't. I cry until my classmate saw it and then the teacher talk to me to be honest that teacher didn't help me anything or what she say it give me more panicking feelings especially when she say I'm going to have a recitation on the other day, I acted normal and say to her that I'm already okay but I'm really not, I just want to stay away from her and don't want to hear her words. I go back to our room with my classmates eyes on me, on that day I want to go home so much.

One thing a lot of people don't understand is that people who suffer panic attacks, DO NOT WANT TO FEEL THIS WAY. We don't want to get on the train and think "I really hope I get to the other end without panicking", we don't want to restrict the way we live because of something we can't control that leaves us feelung mentally and physically drained for days/weeks/months on end. We want to be normal, and carry on with our everyday lives without any added anxiety. I'd love to be able to say "I don't worry about anything, besides the normal things". After a panic attack, I feel so so upset, but mostly anger. Angry at myself for not having any control and angry that I don't know how to make it stop. Then I feel angry because I feel like nobody understands my situation.

In a panic attack I always say "Relax. Calm down. Don't be anxious. Let's see if you can do this. You can fight this. What should we do next? Don't be ridiculous. You have to stay. Don't be a coward. Pull yourself together, Stop being silly, whats wrong with you". But sometimes this is what I say "You can do it no matter how you feel. I am proud of myself. Tell me what you need now. Breathe slow and low. Stay in the present. It's not the place that's bothering you, it's the thought. I know that what you are feeling is painful, but it's not dangerous. You are courageous. Remember that you can do it. All is well"

When I was on panic attack I don't want that someone to distract me with some stupid questions. As I said before, We don't want to say the alphabet backwards or talk about our day, it just highlights the fact that we are having a panic attack, thus creating more panic. Just simply be supportive and reassuring. After a panic attack, Sufferers of panic attack can feel down, depressed, angry, insecure and with a bery low self esteem. It's your job to help us sufferers to feel better about ourselves and to let us know you are there.

OTHER ANXIETY?

Aside from panic attack I also have a OCD (Obsessive Compulsive Disorder) - this is characterized by intrusive thoughts that produce uneasiness, apprehension, fear or worry, by repetitive behaviors aimed at refucing the associated anxiety or by combination of such obsessions and compulsions. I'm excessive washing or cleaning, repeating on checking and suicidal thoughts. Having this anxiety is hard because I dont want to be paranoid and potentially psychotic. We, the sufferers of OCD commonly share personality traits such as high attention to detail, avoidance of risk, careful planning, exaggerated sense of responsibility and a tendency to take time in making decisions. I hate the fact that just a little un-organized things make me so angry. My things are always organized, I hate when someone borrow my thing but I get angry when someone don't let me borrow their things. I am so emotional in every thing If someone hurt me or say something not good on me I take it really seriously when they say sorry it doesn't mean it's already okay to me but it's really not, I will act cool on them but there will be still anger in my heart no matter what and I can't explain it how I don't know how to take those anger's away and also my suicidal thoughts will goes around my head and starting to panic, I hate this suicidal thoughts because I don't like to kill myself just words that people say to me and having a bizzare imaginations. & also i have a Social Anxiety Disorder (SAD) - this is the most common anxiety, people suffering from SAD feat a wide range of social situations while others may only show anxiety in performance situations. Having this sucks, being invited on a party but don't know to act and how to joined their conversation because you are too shy and afraid to drop any words.

DEPRESSION

I was been depressed for my whole life but those anxiety and panic attacks give me more depression plus school! If I will rate my depression to a percent it it 99% already. I am living with depression every day of my life from waking up until I go to sleep I feel so depressed. From the time I moved here in italy I become more depressed every single day especially when I already started going to school here. I am so struggling learning their language. I failed to some exams and it gives me more depression. I almost killed myself from this depression but I'm glad I didn't continue it or else I'm not here blogging about my experience. This depression make me look myself stupid, brainless and a really really low self esteem. I NEVER SEE MYSELF HAPPY LIKE WHEN I WAS KID! What I DO when I'm so depressed when no one is on my side to help me on it, I just listen to music. Trying to get busy. Learn a new song. Writing some poem and stories. Drinking tea or hot chocolate.

This is a very quiet personal to me. I never open up to some people about this because I don't want them to say I'm crazy. Well I hope if they read this they will already understand me even just for a little. But the hardest thing on this what no one in my family knows about this. I can't tell it to them I'm afraid that they will think what others people think too and I'm not really close to my family....

Suicide is stupid? You wanna know what is stupid? Hurting someone so much emotionally, that they think suicide is the only answer. BUT darling Suicide is never the answer. I hear that all the time, i know... but it's true. You are loved, beautiful and precious. Imagine when you kill your self from getting bullied, suffering from anxiety it's like you let them win. DON'T FORGET that there is a lot of people still want you in this world and spend more time on you so hang on, Keep that captivating smile and Pray.

CHIN UP BUTTERCUP :)