AGAIN!

I can feel that I'm falling apart slowly...

February 17, Monday. It happened again :( yeah my panic attack at school. It sucks!

Second period, it was our Physical Education second subject I hated since when I was highschool. So we go our gym to do some physical activities, I was standing infront of the bench in the gym I'm looking some of my classmate running and playing a ball then suddenly a one ball came from nowhere hit the wall near by my side, the ball didn't hit me but the impact of the ball was so strong, I look who did it and I saw my classmate from the other corner of the gym and I look at the wall where the ball landed and after that I can't catch my breath already, my knees are shaking and my heart was racing. I can't think straight and afraid already. I'm trying to be relax and just breath but I can't do it, the noise in the gym and all the balls give me so much a panic. Then their was this 3 classmates of mine who are playing infront of me, they are passing the ball to each other and it hit me. I didn't feel anything but my heart, my heart was pounding 2x more, and this 3 classmates of mine was asking me question if i'm okay apparently i need to say Yes for them to just shut their mouth because I don't want people asking me when I'm having a panic. Maybe it's 5 minutes after just in the bench and already go to the Gym comfort room to relax for and let my panic attack go away. My classmate bring me their, to be honest I taught I'm going to be okay inside but I didn't. I was sitting inside the door was little closed but I can hear my classmates scream and noise while playing and the balls. So i stand up and started to walk inside the comfort room I walk in all the corners of the room, I'm thinking but my brain is such a mess already it was full of fear. I put my both hand in my ears to cover it from the noise and I'm already crying. Im shaking also, I was walking fast inside and I'm already looking for sharp objects in the room because I want to cut my hand already but I end up looking for nothing so instead of looking for a sharp object I just punched the wall just to stop my body in shaking because of panicking, After that I sit in the end of the bench in the room crying so much, my classmates starting to come inside, trust me if you get ask while your having a panic attack you are more going to feel the panic. Some of my classmates give me hug but some ask me stupid questions. And I already breakdown everytime someone will come in and ask me the same question over and over again that make me feel so angry because as much as I wanted to stop my panicking and just be calm I can't because of their questions. Suddenly my teacher come inside and ask me but I didn't answer him because I just can't already, so my classmate tell it to him that I'm having panic and He bring me outside of the gym. Just a a little time that I sit outside and the cold air touching my skin and my classmate stop asking me give me calm and I can think straight already, my heart was not pounding so fast, I'm shaking a little but not like the past minutes were I can't control it. After my panic attack when everybody was already at our room I came inside with tea in my hand, I want to drink it to make me more calm but I didn't. When I sit on my chair I wan't to cry so much because AGAIN I didn't control myself for panicking and thinking what would my classmate think of me now? that I'm a psycho girl and then they will already be afraid of me because in any minute I can turn to a psycho girl. As long as I wanted to explain it to them every single details, I CAN'T! Because they can never understand it either way and they will keep asking me the same question and I will keep answering them, I will get tired of it. And after they will know the truth I'm afraid they will use it against me and one day I will end up sitting in the corner of our classroom alone and no one want to talk to me!