I lie about you,

I lie to myself about you; Between the day and night I lose sleep and give up on dreaming so I can imagine you calling my name and touching my hands. Between writing and reading poetry, I start with your first name and sign them with your last name. Then I lie one more time and tell everybody that I do not write or read about you. Between caging my butterflies in my stomach and feeling the adrenalin through my veins, I crave the emotions you create in my hideous heart. Between avoiding, talking to my friends about you and asking your friends about me, I want to keep you a secret. My name starts by sliding your throat and it continues by choking you. And you will remember why you could not pronounce my name when you first met me. It was a name you never met before; I was a girl you never met before. I lie about you a lot, and I know you are not much of a liar but you are my lie. And between everything we are and not going to be, we are beautiful lies to those who do not understand. And when she will ask you about me, tell her about that night in the November. Tell her about the empty streets at 2.am we walked on and talked about how mean love can be. And we swore we will never fall in love. Tell her about the way you crawled into my heart through my burning veins that night. How in that moment you were willing to strip your soul but you hesitated so I gave you up for the full moon. And when she will ask you more about me, tell her who I was. The writer of madness. Tell her how I wrote poetry about you and that she will never be capable of re-writing them because she doesn’t have the magic ingredient: insanity. And she will buy my book and scream my name. And when she wakes up in the middle of the night asking you about me, tell her about our midnight conversations. Tell her about all the secrets you’ve told me, and how i saved them in my poems. Tell her how much you hate being lonely and how we used each other so very selfishly. Tell her that you could not sleep at night without kissing me goodnight. Tell her you haunted me in my dreams. And in the morning when she will ask you why you don’t like coffee, tell her that is every writer’s drug. Tell her that you don’t trust writers anymore cause they tend to talk and write too much about you. Tell her to stop reading my poetry because you are a different person now that what I am writing about. Tell her you didn’t pick up my book from the trash when she threw it out. And when she will ask you about me for the last time, tell her that I didn’t change you even though I did. Tell her that I destroyed you so beautifully you can’t even remember my name. Tell her how angry I made you and how bad I made you feel. Tell her how my heart set you on fire and how I enjoyed watching you burn. Tell her how you lied to me. How you told me you didn’t love me but your eyes busted you. How cold hearted you were with me but how your warm hands danced on my body. Tell her you love her and kiss my name on her forehead. I will not beg you to remember me ten years from now. My name doesn’t need begging to be remembered. And you told yourself that I was an adventure you would like to explore. And once you got inside you got lost in the forest of my mind. You didn’t know how to fight the tigers and the lions so they ate you alive. And then you begged me for an apology cause I didn’t tamed them. But I thought you were brave enough. Anyways, you continued exploring me. You found the garden of my mind that is made of red roses and diamonds. And you were so damn happy cause even though you’ve been eaten by the tigers and lions and spit out again; you found something beautiful about me. But no, you stepped on the snakes and the venom got to your heart. You cried and cursed me.‘’ She is too toxic for me to handle’’ You made a fire inside my mind like the Natives so the black smoke would bring someone’s attention and save you. That’s when she came and saved you from me. Took you away from me.

- N xx